Written by Ruby Fitzer and translated by Iwan Thomas
Disclaimer!! Some of the things mentioned in this article are sensitive subjects. There is mention of gun violence so please be aware of that when reading. Thank you.
As a lot of my friends departed Aberystwyth for the Easter holiday, I stayed behind. Due to the cost of travel, many international students like myself are not able to be with family during breaks and holidays and as a result spend that time relatively alone. On Easter Sunday I spent a few hours on Facetime with various family members and did my best to be a part of my family’s day. After speaking to my parents in Kentucky, I made a second call to my grandparents four hours north in Ohio. We had our usual catchup and at what I thought would be the end of the call, my grandfather interrupted me with saddening news. He began to describe a shooting that had occurred a few days earlier in Isle of Palms, South Carolina, a place my family and I went to almost every summer in my childhood. My grandfather said that he and my grandmother had been sitting watching the news when their cabin in Isle of Palms showed up on TV, so he tuned in. My grandmother stopped him describing the event and said she wanted to end on a happy note, so we moved on to another topic, said our goodbyes, and hung up the phone.
The next day, April 10, I was scrolling through Instagram stories when I saw a post from a friend from high school. There had been a shooting in Louisville, Kentucky, my hometown. I immediately went online to confirm that this was true and messaged a few of my friends who still live there. The shooting was at a bank about ten minutes from my parents’ house, five people were killed and eight others were injured. As an American, I am no stranger to stories of gun violence and to the collective trauma that my generation has experienced as a result of hundreds of school shootings, active shooter drills, and the reality of living in a country that values its guns over its children. I feel so thankful that I have been given the opportunity to move to another country and to live in a place where gun violence is not the norm. However, being so far from home and feeling so helpless as my community is terrorized by yet another avoidable tragedy, I feel more alone than ever.
My friends here in the UK have offered me as much help as they possibly can, however, others have not been so kind. Anywhere from the uni, to my job, to nights out, I have had countless confrontations about where I’m from, why I’m here, and what my beliefs are. Myself and most other students from other countries have to fend off strangers from asking us personal questions because they can hear or see that we are not from here. They view our difference as an invitation to initiate invasive and personal conversations often in uncomfortable public settings.
Why is this the norm then? International students are already experiencing feelings of isolation, loneliness, and homesickness. Invading their personal lives and questioning their beliefs in inappropriate places only adds to these feelings. These conversations can push students into feeling separate from their communities in university. After almost two years of trying to evade these conversations, I still don’t know how to get past this feeling of being an outsider in my university, my job, and even in public spaces. When universities advertise to international students they often focus on the idea of a ‘home away from home’ but that isn’t always the reality. While I’ve had overwhelmingly positive experiences here in Aberystwyth it's hard to feel at home when my being here is constantly questioned. Aberystwyth has a massive population of international students that continues to grow each year, so while it is important to celebrate our different backgrounds, it’s also important for students to feel like they can live here without having their identities questioned by the community that is supposed to welcome them. While in most aspects, Aber has been very accepting and a genuinely wonderful place to live, I still struggle to feel like a part of the community when people invade my privacy on a regular basis. I love Aberystwyth so much but sometimes I struggle to feel it loves me back.
If you found anything you have read over the course of the article distressing or overly emotional in any way then the wellbeing services are always available:
Cymraeg
Cyfieithiad gan Iwan Thomas
Ymwadiad!! Mae rhai o'r pethau a grybwyllir yn yr erthygl hon yn bynciau sensitif. Mae sôn am drais dryll felly byddwch yn ymwybodol o hynny wrth i chi ddarllen. Diolch.
Wrth i nifer o fy ffrindiau adael Aberystwyth am wyliau’r Pasg, arhosais ar ôl. Oherwydd cost teithio, nid yw llawer o fyfyrwyr rhyngwladol fel fi yn gallu bod gyda'u teulu yn ystod egwyliau a gwyliau ac o ganlyniad yn treulio'r amser hwnnw'n gymharol unig. Ar Sul y Pasg treuliais ychydig oriau ar Facetime gyda gwahanol aelodau o'r teulu a gwneud fy ngorau glas i fod yn rhan o ddiwrnod fy nheulu. Ar ôl siarad â fy rhieni yn Kentucky, gwnes ail alwad i fy nain a nain bedair awr i'r gogledd yn Ohio. Cawsom sgwrs gyda'n gilydd yn ôl yr arfer ac ar yr hyn roeddwn i'n meddwl fyddai diwedd yr alwad, darfu i fy nhad-cu newyddion trist. Dechreuodd ddisgrifio saethu a oedd wedi digwydd ychydig ddyddiau ynghynt yn Isle of Palms, South Carolina, lle bu fy nheulu a minnau yn mynd bron bob haf yn fy mhlentyndod. Dywedodd fy nhaid ei fod ef a fy nain wedi bod yn eistedd yn gwylio'r newyddion pan ymddangosodd eu caban yn Isle of Palms ar y teledu, felly fe diwniodd. Stopiodd fy nain ef gan ddisgrifio'r digwyddiad a dywedodd ei bod am orffen ar nodyn hapus, felly symudasom ymlaen at bwnc arall, ffarwelio â ni, a hongian i fyny.
Y diwrnod wedyn, Ebrill 10, roeddwn i'n sgrolio trwy Instagram pan welais bost gan ffrind o'r ysgol uwchradd. Cafodd ei saethu yn Louisville, Kentucky, fy nhref enedigol. Es i ar-lein ar unwaith i gadarnhau bod hyn yn wir a anfonais neges at rai o fy ffrindiau sy'n dal i fyw yno. Roedd y saethu mewn banc tua deg munud o dŷ fy rhieni, lladdwyd pump o bobl ac anafwyd wyth arall. Fel Americanwr, nid wyf yn ddieithr i straeon am drais gwn ac i'r trawma cyfunol y mae fy nghenhedlaeth wedi'i brofi o ganlyniad i gannoedd o saethiadau ysgol, hyfforddiant saethwyr gweithredol, a realiti byw mewn gwlad sy'n gwerthfawrogi ei gynnau drosodd ei blant. Rwy’n teimlo mor ddiolchgar fy mod wedi cael y cyfle i symud i wlad arall ac i fyw mewn man lle nad yw trais gwn yn arferol. Fodd bynnag, gan fy mod mor bell o gartref a theimlo mor ddiymadferth fel bod fy nghymuned yn cael ei dychryn gan drasiedi arall y gellir ei hosgoi, rwy’n teimlo’n fwy unig nag erioed.
Mae fy ffrindiau yma yn y DU wedi cynnig cymaint o help ag y gallant i mi, fodd bynnag, nid yw eraill wedi bod mor garedig. Unrhyw le o'r Brifysgol, i fy swydd, i nosweithiau allan, rydw i wedi cael gwrthdaro di-ri ynglŷn â lle rydw i'n dod, pam rydw i yma, a beth yw fy nghredoau. Mae'n rhaid i mi a'r rhan fwyaf o fyfyrwyr eraill o wledydd eraill fod yn ofalus rhag dieithriaid yn gofyn cwestiynau personol i ni oherwydd gallant glywed neu weld nad ydym o'r fan hon. Maent yn gweld ein gwahaniaeth fel gwahoddiad i ddechrau sgyrsiau ymledol a phersonol yn aml mewn lleoliadau cyhoeddus anghyfforddus.
Pam mai dyma'r norm felly? Mae myfyrwyr rhyngwladol eisoes yn profi teimladau o unigrwydd, unigedd a hiraeth. Dim ond ychwanegu at y teimladau hyn y mae goresgyn eu bywydau personol a chwestiynu eu credoau mewn mannau amhriodol. Gall y sgyrsiau hyn wthio myfyrwyr i deimlo ar wahân i'w cymunedau prifysgol. Ar ôl bron i ddwy flynedd o geisio osgoi'r sgyrsiau hyn, dwi dal ddim yn gwybod sut i fynd heibio'r teimlad hwn o fod yn rhywun o'r tu allan yn fy mhrifysgol, fy swydd, a hyd yn oed mewn mannau cyhoeddus. Pan fydd prifysgolion yn hysbysebu i fyfyrwyr rhyngwladol maent yn aml yn canolbwyntio ar y syniad o ‘gartref oddi cartref’ ond nid dyna’r realiti bob amser. Er fy mod wedi cael profiadau hynod gadarnhaol yma yn Aberystwyth mae’n anodd teimlo’n gartrefol pan mae fy mod i yma yn cael ei gwestiynu’n gyson. Mae gan Aberystwyth boblogaeth enfawr o fyfyrwyr rhyngwladol sy’n parhau i dyfu bob blwyddyn, felly tra ei bod yn bwysig dathlu ein gwahanol gefndiroedd, mae hefyd yn bwysig i fyfyrwyr deimlo y gallant fyw yma heb i’r gymuned gwestiynu eu hunaniaeth pan fyddant i fod i’w croesawu. Er bod Aber yn gyffredinol wedi bod yn dderbyniol iawn ac yn lle gwych i fyw, rwy'n dal i gael trafferth teimlo'n rhan o'r gymuned pan fydd pobl yn ymosod ar fy mhreifatrwydd yn rheolaidd. Dwi'n caru Aberystwyth gymaint ond weithiau dwi'n cael trafferth teimlo ei fod yn fy ngharu i nôl.
Os oedd unrhyw beth rydych chi wedi’i ddarllen yn ystod yr erthygl yn peri gofid i chi neu’n or-emosiynol mewn unrhyw ffordd, yna mae’r gwasanaethau llesiant bob amser ar gael: